Skarjo wrote:It's no Frasier.
GET OUT YOUR DICTIONARIES
Scene Seven – Niles's Mansion
In the living room of Niles's house, Gunnar — a tall, thin-faced German —
is on the couch, getting his fencing gear ready for Maris. Niles comes
down the stairs, followed by Frasier and Marta.
Niles: There you are! [Gunnar looks up] Yes, I'm talking to you,
strudel boy! No one seduces my wife and gets away with it!
You probably thought because of my refined bearing and
swimmer's build that I wouldn't put up a fight for the woman
I love. But you're dead wrong, because real men have a thing
called “honor!” [Gunnar stands up; he's a full head taller
than Niles] Yow! You wouldn't know about that, would you?
Frasier: Niles...
Niles: You wouldn't know how decent people behave.
Frasier: Niles...
Niles: You wouldn't know the meaning of the word "rectitude!"
Frasier: Niles, he wouldn't know the meaning of the word "dog," "cat,"
or "pencil!" He doesn't speak English, remember?!
Gunnar: [to Marta] Wieso ist er so bose?
Marta: Ich weiss nicht.
Niles: Marta! You speak German?
Marta: Que?
Frasier: Uh, habla alleman?
Marta: Si! Yo trabajo para una familia allemana que llego a
Guatemala despues a la Guerra.
Frasier: Apparently she worked for a German family that turned up in
Guatemala... [deep voice] just after the war.
Marta frowns, while Frasier gives her a very Jack Benny look.
Niles: Well, well, good, good! She can translate for me! Tell her
to tell him—
Frasier: Niles, Niles, just wait!
Niles: What?
Frasier: Look at him! God, if he knew you were calling him "strudel
boy," he'd be wiping his feet on your face!
Niles: Hang that, Frasier! If there're going to be scuffs, they'll
be scuffs of honor. [to Gunnar] How dare you steal my wife!
[to Frasier] Translate!
Frasier: Oh, all right. [to Marta] Senor Crane quiere que preguntas a
Gunnar, uh, "Como se atrevez a robar mis zapatos!"
Marta: [to Gunnar] Was fallt Dir ein meine Schuhe zu stehlen?
Finally understanding, Gunnar draws his sword on Niles.
Gunnar: Schweinehund!
Frasier and Marta jump back in alarm.
Niles: All right, fine, you want to challenge me? [throws off his
jacket and grabs the other sword] En garde!
Frasier: Oh yes, Niles, that's just what we need, a fourth language!
Niles, you can't possibly fight this man!
Niles: Are you forgetting? I've been fencing since prep school!
Frasier: Yes, oh, so what? The man was obviously born with a sword in
his hand! He probably performed his own Caesarean!
Gunnar attacks. Niles scrambles to defend himself.
Niles: Oh my God, he's gonna kill me.
Gunnar attacks again, driving Niles back to the fireplace.
Niles: [pointing] Farvegnugen!
Gunnar: [looking] Farvegnugen?
Niles breaks away and dashes across the room, tipping over the couch
as he goes. Gunnar chases him, and they fight near the stairs.
Gunnar makes a sudden slash, shattering a Ming vase.
Gunnar: [apologizing]
Niles: Oh, very nice, very nice, thank you!
Realizing what's going on, they start to fight again. They lock their
swords together, and Gunnar pushes Niles upstairs, out of sight.
A moment later, Niles runs downstairs and hides behind the stairwell
pillar. When Gunnar comes down looking for him, Niles ambushes him.
Niles fends off Gunnar's attacks and jumps up onto the piano. Laughing
with sheer adrenaline, he shakes his hips and gives Gunnar a "Take Your
Best Shot!" grin.
They fight some more. Niles slashes at Gunnar's head, but he ducks.
Gunnar slashes at Niles's ankle, but he hops over it. Niles grins
and swashes his sword back and forth. Gunnar swashes his own sword.
Niles swashes his sword again, but loses his grip and drops it on the
floor.
As Gunnar presses forward, Niles turns, jumps, and swings across the
room on the chandelier like a pirate in a movie — only the roof plaster
cracks, and Niles falls sprawling onto the floor.
Frasier: Niles! Niles! Niles, my God, are you all right?
Before Niles can get up, Gunnar presses the tip of his sword into the
soft flesh of his neck.
Gunnar: Entschuldige Dich sofort! Ich habe nicht Deine Schuhe
gestohlen!
Niles: [meekly, to Frasier] Is he giving up?
Marta: Piedme perdon! Yo no te robo sus zapatos!
Frasier: He says he wants you to apologize. He didn't steal...
your shoes.
Niles: My shoes?!
Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry. Apparently I mistranslated. [to Marta] Look,
he didn't mean, uh... not shoes, wife! No zapatos, esposa!
Marta: [to Gunnar] Nicht Schuhe, Frau!
Gunnar: Frau?
Mumbling in German, Gunnar takes his sword away and sinks into a chair.
Gunnar: Maris ist unwiderstehlich.
Marta: [to Frasier] No me puede contralar. Maris est irresistible.
Frasier: [to Niles] He couldn't help himself, Maris is irresistible.
[to Marta, in Spanish] Irresistible?
Marta: [to Gunnar] Unwiderstehlich?
Gunnar: Ja.
Marta: Si.
Frasier: O-kayy.
Gunnar: Aber sie hat mich abgewiesen.
Marta: Pero me rechazo.
Frasier: Oh, but she refused him.
Niles: Really?
Frasier: Verdad?
Marta: Wirklich?
Gunnar throws up his hand. Marta throws up her hand to Frasier,
who throws up his hand to Niles, who also throws up his hand.
Niles: Well, what did Maris say?
Frasier: Que decia?
Marta: Was hat sie gesagt?
Gunnar: "Ich liebe Niles."
Marta: "Yo amo Niles."
Frasier: "I love Niles."
Niles: She loves me! [hugs Frasier] Oh, she loves me! [hugs Marta]
My marriage is whole!
He moves to hug Gunnar, but ends up just patting him on the shoulders.
Niles: Give me five seconds, then tell him he's fired. [running
upstairs] Maris!
He exits.
Frasier: Oh lord, if only I can do something to help Gunnar and
Gretchen.
Gunnar: [looking up] Gretchen?
Frasier: Ja, ja, uh... [to Marta] Tell him that his wife loves him
very much. Uh, I mean, diga a Gunnar que su esposa le ama
mucho.
Marta: Diem Frau [points at Frasier] liebt ihn sehr.
Frasier smiles beatifically. Gunnar draws his sword, enraged.
Gunnar: SCHWEINEHUND!
Frasier: No, no, not me! You, you! Marta, damn your pronoun problems!
He scrambles to the other side of the room. Then, getting into the
spirit, he takes a sword down from the mantle and roars a challenge
at Gunnar.
Frasier: All right, then, you hapless wretch!
They start to fence.